TAMIL WEDDING & CUSTOM

ARRANGED MARRIAGE

Each time I hear the phrase “Arranged marriage”, it brings to mind the song of Apache Indian’s of the same name. He goes on to describe the girl he wants to get married to “me want gal, to look after me, to make me roti…”.

Arranged marriages, which are so the norm here in India, always seems to faze the non-Indians. One simply can’t fathom how practical strangers can be married to each other and settle down for a life together. No matter how westernised our country may have become, arranged marriages are still how a majority of the weddings in our country are carried out. The first stage is the search for horoscopes – through friends, marriage brokers as well as the horoscope matching centres, parents start procuring the horoscopes of eligible boys / girls. The horoscopes have to be matched according to various parameters. Once a horoscope matches, then the parents of that girl / boy are contacted and the horoscopes will be exchanged. If both sides find the horoscopes compatible, then the second stage begins – ‘seeing’ the girl.

After choosing a nalla naal (auspicious day), the parents of the boy visit the girl and her family and if both sides are pleased with the state of affairs, they things like how much silver, gold etc will be given by the girl’s family to the girl. then they fix the date for the engagement (nitchayadaartham). After the engagement, the boy and girl are allowed to go out – sometimes chaperoned, sometimes not, depending on the individual families. During the engagement, the rough date for the wedding is fixed.

The wedding will usually take place 3 – 4 months after the engagement.

Hindu Weddings (South Indian Brahmin) – Religious significance and practices

Marriages in South Indian Brahmin families are performed according to Vedic rites as prescribed. The rituals other than marriages such as Upanayanam, Namakarnam are normally religious functions only. In the case of marriage, however, there is a social content also. Social aspects of marriages are (a)Reception by procession of the groom (Janavasam or Mappilai ashaippu) (b)Exchange of garlands (Maalai matruthal) (c) Oonjal ( Swing on which the young to be married are made to sit and rocked gently.) (d) Nalangu (Passing coconut shape brass ball between the couple).

In the olden days marriages used to be performed on four days apart from the afternoon on the day previous to the first (Muhurtham) day and the period till afternoon of the day subsequent to the last day of the marriage. Religious rites will be performed both morning and evening of the three days subsequent to the marriage day. The intervening time are spent in social functions. Nalangu forms part of these functions. Processions of bride & bride groom separately except on the last day when the two used to sit side by side while on procession It used to be in a carriage drawn by two horses. With the advent of cars the processions were in open top cars. On the third day normally the procession used to be in a palanquin fully decorated. Nathhaswaram plays an important part in marriages, from the evening of the day before the muhurtham till the afternoon of the day before the last day. These functions enable both the brides’ and the grooms’ party to know each other better.

Normally marriages used to be conducted at the residence of the bride. Big pandal is erected in front of the house. It may cover neighbours house fronts and major portion of the street. The whole village used to be involved in the arrangements. Personal assistance for the bride’s family used to be just for the asking. This is another social aspect. With the disposal of the family members in various parts of the world and also due to lack of space in the cities and towns marriages are conducted in Kalyana Mandapams now-a-days.

The main events of the Hindu Brahmin wedding are:

Janavasam

The bride and grooms party less the bride assemble at a nearby temple where the groom is offered new dress befitting the occasion and then he is taken in a procession in an open car to the mandapam. This function is becoming extinct now-a-days.

Vritham :

The groom has to perform certain religious rites relating to bramacharya asramam and for entering grahastha asramam.

Kasi Yatra:

The groom is supposed to proceed on a long tour. On the way he is stopped by the bride’s father, who requests the groom to abandon his tour and accept his daughter as his wife.

Exchange of garlands ( Malaai matruthal):

The groom accepts the proposal and he is brought to the mandapam where the bride awaits in brilliant clothes and ornaments, flowers. In addition to a big garland she will be wearing three garlands. The groom will be in two garlands besides the big one. The bride removes one of the three garlands and puts it around the neck of the groom. The groom in his turn removes one of his garlands and puts it round the bride’s neck. This is done three times. In performing this both the bride and the groom are helped by their respective maternal uncles. This function used to be full of fun and frolic in the olden days. The girl and the boys used to be young. The uncles lift them on their shoulders and it is the skill, how the garland is put around the neck of each other. Now-a-days it is enacted in a lack lustre way. The awkwardness being felt by the couple especially the bride owing to their age stands out. This may also fade away as “Janavasams” did.

Oonjal :

The couple is made to sit on the “Oonjal” which is rocked gently. The spectators ( relatives and friends) get a chance to exhibit their talents in music. Suitable songs are sung. In the olden days these rendering used to be repeated in the nathaswaram. This doesn’t happen now, probably due to lack of time, while these go on the couple is offered milk and plantain and the ladies from both the families (particularly elders) throw coloured rice balls in four directions to ward off the evil spirits.

Kannika Dhanam :

After the couple is led to the platform where preliminary religious rites are performed, the groom is referred to by the father of the bride as “matavishnuswarupi” ie., resembling Lord Maha Vishnu- After washing his feet the groom is invited to accept the bride as ” Kannika Dhanam” In this the bride sits on the lap of her father. Her hands twined upward are placed on the upward turned hands of the groom. A coconut, betel leaves, nuts are placed on the hands of the bride. In the olden days gold coins used to be placed. (This is because any Dhanam is to accompanied by some Sambavanai in cash.) This aspect no longer exists. It is possible that this ” Sambavanai” turned into “dowry” which used to be taken in advance. ——- is not offered in kannika dhanam now-a-days. Water is poured on the brides’hands by her mother. Then the father releases his hand from that of his daughter thus placing the hand of the bride over the hands of the groom who accepts the Dhanam.

Mangalya Dharanam :

The bride is offered new clothes by the groom, after his accepting her. While the bride is away changing the dress prayer is offered to the “Tirumangalyam” before giving. It is taken around the hall to get the blessings of elders in the assembly. Now -a-days every individual touches these as their blessing. Actually the intention is the old couple has to bless the new ones to be. As soon as the bride comes with the new dress, she sits on the lap of her father. The groom has to perform some religious rites and then he ties the Mangalyam around the neck of the bride. He puts one knot. His sister standing behind the bride completes the three knots. Flowers are showered on the couple. (supposedly, for these flowers normally lands o0n the heads and shoulders of those (relatives) who stand round and covering the couple.

There is a paradox in this. Although the mangalyam as well as tying it are considered sacred no vedic mantras are recited for this. Only a sloham is recited. There is a misconception these days that this tying of the mangalyam completes the marriage. They start dispersing and in doing so they go and shake the hands of the bride and groom. This prevents very important religious functions of the marriage. Immediately after tying of the mangalyam the couple sit beside the homagundam. “Panigraharam” is then performed with the recital of mantras. this is an important function because the groom grasps the hand of the bride officially after accepting her as dhanam. In fact if one sees the invitations issued by the father of the groom the boy one will see that the invitation like anupasanam, lagya homam etc., are performed. Then Saptha Sathi is performed.

Saptha sathu :

In this function the groom lifts the right foot of the bride and helps her to stand over a stone placed on the north side of the homa kundam to the recital of mantras. Then the couple comes round the homa kundam fire. This is performed seven times. The marriage is complete only after the performance of this Saptha Sathi.
No one is expected to intervene from the tying of the magalyam and saptha sathi by shaking hands. After panigrahanam the groom performs aupasanam for the first time. This recital is one every individual is required to perform daily in the morning and evening. To enable such performance the “agni” from this homam is placed inside a mud pot in which rice husks are already placed. The fire has to be rekindled every time aupasanam is performed and after the aupasanam the fire is again placed inside the pot. This is not being done since no one (perhaps a few) performs aupasanam these days. A pot is, however, carried when the groom leaves for his home.

Arundhadhi darsanam :

The groom is to take the bride now his wife) outside the pandal/mandapam after night fall and show her arundhathi shining in the sky as a bright star. This is to show her the faithful devotion and “—barlthu surushai—” as an example.